A Life in Footsteps
by cathat77
Summary: Charles stares at his feet. Some Charles/Erik. Bit angsty for my normal, but I'm in a little bit of a mood.


**Title:** A Life in Footsteps  
><strong>Author<strong>:cathat77  
><strong>Rating<strong>: PG-13  
><strong>Word Count<strong>: 1472  
><strong>Characters:<strong> some Charles/Erik, Raven  
><strong>Summary:<strong>Charles stares at his feet  
><strong>Warnings<strong>:not betaed, implicit sex

Charles stares at his feet.

He is three when he is hoisted upon his Father's shoulders, watching as the fireworks burst in the night sky. He loves the colors, and his toes wiggle as he gets more and more delighted. The scuff marks on his new shoes cause Mother's brow to wrinkle, and even though Mother says nothing, Charles knows she is unhappy with him. He promises to never do it again in hopes that Mother will embrace him as Father does. Mother simply stares bewildered at him, and a maid takes him off to bed.

He is seven when he realizes that he has a crush on a girl at his primary school. His feet are rubbing up against each other as he stammers out his little speech. He is still staring at his feet when he realizes that the girl never stayed to listen to it at all. He hears the girl chattering away with her friends and suddenly realizes that he never said his speech; it stayed firmly in his mind and never left his lips. Rubbing the tears from his eyes, Charles knows that he needs to keep his mind in control, a struggle that haunts him.

He is nine when he encounters his mother in the kitchen at night. His bare feet are cold on the floor, and the baseball bat that he is holding drags behind him. He strikes out with his mind at the imposter. His mother would never feign any affection toward him, and when his mind touches hers, he struck by the intense fear and _hunger_ that he feels. Charles has never, in his short life, had to go hungry for anything except affection. And if Charles imagines hard enough, he can fill his craving for that too.

He is ten when he is running after Raven in the gardens behind the house. His feet are dirty from running bare foot, and before Raven, he had never felt the indescribable feeling of dirt between his toes. His laugh is bright, and unknowingly, he projects his happiness throughout the entire house. The butler smiles while he arranges his mistress's tea. The maids start singing cheerfully. Even Mother's lips quirk into what could be a smile, but Mother's heart has hardened into a stone after Father's death. No one could deny that Mother loved Father, even if Mother did not love Baby. Mother's sudden elation causes her to call upon her former husband's associate, Kurt Marko.

He is eleven when he sends Raven to boarding school. Her little fists beat upon his body. His shoes are her step stools, and he lets her hit him. Kurt and Cain Marko are rude and violent, and as he fervently explained to her, they are not the kind of people to uphold a code of chivalry. She doesn't understand what he means. She doesn't understand why she has to be sent away from this place she can call home. But, she doesn't see the bruise on Charles's face, the bruise that is distinctly in the shape of a hand. Nor does she see the one burning into Charles's shoulder, clenching down on him like an unrelenting pressure. If Charles has his way, Raven, sweet Raven, will never see him like that.

He is fourteen when he barely escapes from the fire that seized Kurt Marko's life. His feet are singed badly, and he wishes that Raven were there to comfort him. In his delirium, he imagines begging Raven to turn into a large fluffy black bear and hugging her in that state. When he comes to, Cain Marko is nowhere to be found, and Mother is drunkenly staring at him. Charles cannot look at her. He feels her disgust, and he wonders how she could have loved a man who abused her child and treated her like a guest in her own home. In just a few months, Mother will swim in the drink and drown.

He is seventeen when a girl sits herself on his lap at the pub. His feet curl in his shoes, and he has to resist the urge to knock her off of him. He realizes abruptly that the feminine soft curve does not appeal to him in the very least, but he flirts with her anyway because he knows that Oxford boys must chase after co-eds, or so he has been told anyway.

He is seventeen when a boy notices how uncomfortable he is when a girl sits on his lap. His feet are entangled with the other boy's feet as they lay in the bed after sex. Abruptly, Charles realizes that sex makes him feel even emptier than staring at girls. Sex is cathartic, but the feeling of emptiness rushes within him, and something is so jarringly wrong. While he traces his fingers over the other boy's arm, Charles absently wonders whether using his powers during sex would be better, and he laughs a little bitterly because no one would ever let him in during a time so vulnerable. Even Raven had pleaded with him to never "read her mind," and Charles thinks it equally unfair that he cannot use his power just as she must hide her true form by using hers.

He is twenty when sex is mundane for him, and he decides to give it up for now. He takes pleasure from the simpler things in life like the random foot massages that Raven gives him when she is pleading for some new bauble. He knows that even without the incentive that he would say yes, but he doesn't tell her that because why ruin a good thing?

He is twenty-six when he chugs a yard of ale after obtaining his doctorate in genetics at Oxford. He roars drunkenly into the crowd, his feet a little wobbly as he steps down from the table. He grabs a cola for Raven and bumps into a thin woman who he learns is named Moira, a woman who has seen things that Charles had only hoped for in his dreams. He doesn't care about finding this Sebastian Shaw, but finding other mutants is an opportunity he cannot resist.

He is twenty-six when he grabs onto a man in the cold water. His feet are inadequately prepared for the cold and sting as he floats aimlessly in the water. Erik Lensherr and Charles Xavier feel the instant connection that thrums in the backs of their minds. But like Raven, Erik is just as distrustful of Charles's power. And, Charles knows that nothing will change Erik's mind about it. Even when Charles is wrapped around Erik and Erik leans down to grind himself further in the cradle of Charles's hips, Charles knows that Erik will never trust Charles enough to engage a meeting of the minds during sex.

He is twenty-six when a bullet goes through his back. He feels Erik cradle him gently, and the helmet on his head forces Charles out of Erik's mind. He feels as if a thread deep within him has snipped, and Charles knows that Erik will never be able to trust him just as Erik will never trust himself. As Charles lies on the hot sand, he beckons Raven to him and guides her to go with Erik. Her soft kiss upon his brow is of little comfort, and then, the puff of red smoke signals that they are not there. He realizes that despite the itch of hot sand all around him, his feet don't really seem bothered. He cannot feel his legs. He cannot feel his legs. He cannot feel his legs. He cannot feel his legs….

He is twenty-six and bound to a wheelchair. His feet are clothed in ridiculous loafers with tassels, and he wonders when he became a stereotypical professor plus the added bonus of a wheelchair. Charles will never let himself become a lame duck, even if he seems that way. Charles will never again have the pleasure of stroking his feet down a strong thigh in bed or running in the grass, and he won't recapture the joys of playing hide-and-seek. But, all the people Charles ever loved enough to chase have left him, so losing the ability to walk was only secondary. That's what Charles likes to tell himself when he is maudlin enough to play a game of chess by himself and drink two glasses of scotch simultaneously. Ultimately, the people Charles loved didn't trust him, and from a pragmatic point of view, Charles will seem even more harmless now. That's what Charles tells himself before barging upon the lives of mutants who try to hide themselves and insisting they train in his academy. He encourages them to express their power as an extension of themselves.

Too bad no one has ever extended the same kindness back.


End file.
